Getting better. That has basically been my only goal since I first received my diagnosis last year. Everything else, life, friends, relationships, work, the future, it all took a step back, to allow me to focus on this one thing. Getting better is the aim, after all.
I always pictured my experience as a hurdle that I would need to pass. After that, life would start again, it would go on, I would be on a clear path to getting better and back to normal.
But as time goes by, and I start having first-year anniversaries of all the significant milestones of my diagnosis and treatment, I realise that getting better is not a straight line. It is full of curves, of hills that I thought I could not reach until I conquered them, of slopes that are too steep, too fast for me to go down safely. It is not an easy path.
There have been milestones throughout the year. So many moment where I thought ‘I have done this, now I will be fine’, only to reach a new low after a few weeks.
There was the operation, on 19th December. The day they told me the cancer was confirmed as Grade 1, Stage 1a, and no further treatment would be needed, on 13th January. The day I was prescribed hormone replacement therapy, on 26th February. The day I received a letter telling me there was no sign of a genetic mutation, sometime in late spring. The day after my first in-person follow-up, on 28th August. On those days, I felt relieved. I reached a new high each time. I felt like nothing could touch me. Depending on the appointments, I had been reassured that I was doing ok physically, or at least that things would start looking up.
But because there are highs, there are lows too. And every time I feel great, I know now that it is not going to last. That no matter what I do, there will be a point where I feel anxious, where I feel low, where I feel down again.
It can be overwhelming, this feeling that whatever you do, there is no progress. I am stalling. I am wary of even thinking things are fine, because I know there will come a time, pretty soon, where I will struggle again. I am afraid of getting my hopes up, because I fall harder every time.
I am at that point again, two months after my latest check-up, and a month before the next one, where I start panicking again at the thought that something might be physically wrong with me. That the cancer is back. I have nightmares about it. I wake up thinking about it. I go about my day, and I think about it every minute. I try to go to sleep, telling myself that I am another day closer to receiving bad news again. It is completely irrational. I know the chances of it happening are very low, but I cannot control it. I have tried CBT, I still try and undo this negative thinking pattern, but it all-consuming.
I feel anxious, and I feel low. Because so much of my energy is focused on this, I feel tired all the time. I feel unmotivated. I do not have the energy to do anything. I try reading a book, and I have to give up after two pages, my brain will not let me focus on it. I will watch a film and switch after ten minutes.
I feel all the emotions, all at the same time. I feel sad. I am downhearted. I feel angry. I am frustrated. I cry. I am mad, and I slam on my keyboard. I swear at myself, I swear at clients, I swear at my friends – but only in my head, and in my flat.
What I thought helped does not anymore. I thought that yoga helped me relax, and now I just cry at the idea of lying down on my mat. I thought medication was working, but I feel worse than I did weeks ago. I started doing crafts again and thought I had found my focus again, but I have to force myself to pick up my knitting needles at the moment. I thought that writing had really helped, that it had allowed me to put words on my feelings, that I was seeing the light again, only to realise that I have taken a huge step backwards, and I am now back where I was six weeks ago.
It is disheartening. I keep feeling like things are looking up, only to be disappointed again. Disappointed in myself, both for letting myself feel like this and having had the hope to think that maybe, it would not be the case this time.
It is a pattern I will have to get used to. Triggers that I will need to identify, and can prevent before I fall into a downward spiral again. What started it this time? I cannot pinpoint a single factor. There are a multitude of reasons, some more personal than others. Cancer anxiety. Family issues. Politics. Workload. Lockdown. Worry about not being able to finally go home at Christmas, and see the family and friends I have not seen for over a year. Watching my friends achieving things, reaching their goals, whilst I am still here, stuck in my post-cancer rut, unable to move on.
Thirty days until my next appointment. I know that if everything goes well, a new high point awaits me on the other side. And it is higher, better, deeper each time. I will feel happy again. I will feel like I am back to normal again. But if you are looking for me in the meantime, I will be hiding under a blanket with a Christmas-scented candle burning next to me.