Stoic, impassive, apathetic, unfeeling.
Waking up and feeling like I am not in control of my own body.
I go swimming, my legs move, my arms push against the water to keep me afloat.
I cannot hear, I cannot feel, I cannot smell anything but the water. I am numb.
I go home and I look at my hands. They are moving, typing. It does not feel like they belong to me.
Good news, bad news. My face shows nothing. My face is not mine.
I look in control, but it does not feel like it. My brain is locked inside my body, so deep that it controls nothing.
I am a robot.
I lift my arm and let it fall back down. I watch it happen, I am so far away. My body is an empty vessel, carrying me from one place to the next.
I feel nothing. I feel empty.
I do not belong in my body – my body does not belong to me.
I watch life happen. Happen to people around me, happen to this imposter that is in my body.
I am numb.
I know I feel emotions. I know I am capable of it. But I watch them happen to me, to that other person, the one in my body.
I know what happened to me.
It still does not feel like it was me.
It does not feel like I am anyone, much less this stranger that is trying to get back to a normal life.
Dissociating. Consciously or not, I have been doing it for months.
I am a stranger to myself.