Happy Cancer Anniversary to Me

Cake, Candles and Confetti anyone?

It was a grey Tuesday morning. It wasn’t cold, it wasn’t warm. It was one of those autumn days where it keeps drizzling down but taking your umbrella out feels like overkill.

I was wearing lovely new fitted black chinos, a purple top, and a ring on my right ring finger. I had just dyed my hair dark brown and let it dry in its natural curly style.

I had basic make-up on. Hastily filled in brows and mascara. A touch of concealer.

I was ready to jump on a train straight from the hospital, and walk into work. Carry on with my day.

The Fifteenth of October.

Will I ever forget this date, like people forget their wedding anniversary? Will I ever have to hesitate when I think about when it all started?

I have fragmented memories of the day itself. There are details that play in my mind pretty much every day. Scenes that got photographed and stuck in my memory, ready to play whenever something presses the wrong button. My personal heavily-edited reality show. Keeping Up With The Womb Cancer.

I have been thinking about what I should do on this day.

Last year, I asked the two friends I have been the closest to during my whole journey to come and have dinner with me. I felt like I couldn’t be left on my own for the day. I was scared of myself.

It felt odd. I cried a lot. It felt good.

This year, I feel calmer. I don’t know how the day is going to go. I am unpredictable. But I feel more settled. I have done this before.

Should I treat today as a normal day to try to remove some of the power I have unconsciously given it?

Should I reclaim that day? Make it a joyful occasion?

Two years after a cancer diagnosis, I am still here. I am back on my feet, I am almost able to see, in the distance, a future where I have overcome my trauma and kicked this cancer’s butt.

Should I go out, toast to a happy and healthy life? Should I host a huge celebration of life party?

Maybe not this year, but one day. I checked, you can get uterus-shaped confetti on Etsy.

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