Just a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about genetics – I can’t remember why or how it came about. At some point though, I blurted out ‘well, you know, my dad definitely has one blue-eye gene, so he might have passed it on to me, so I could technically have blue-eyed kids…’
I caught myself right at the end. Nope. Technically, I could not.
It felt… bizarre. For a second, I had completely forgotten about that little truth of mine – how, thanks to cancer, I will not ever be able to pass on any of my genes to a child.
It didn’t hurt. It was like an out of body experience. I could not believe I had uttered those words. I know very well that I cannot have kids. It couldn’t be me saying those words. It just felt… wrong.
Later on that night, lying in bed and thinking back about what happened that day, I did get the wave of feelings I had avoided earlier. It was such a simple thing to say. It just was the way I had always thought, up until two years ago. Passing down my genetic make-up. But that’s no longer an option.
Cancer and fertility are an incredibly complex topic. There are so many ways your fertility can be compromised during cancer treatment – chemo, radiotherapy or surgery can all affect your reproductive organs in their own way, no matter the type of cancer.
For me, it was very clear cut (pun intended). Womb cancer treatment involves removing the womb. No womb, no pregnancy. To be safe, the doctors also recommended a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy – to those of us who are not doctors, that means surgical removal of the ovaries and fallopian tubes.
I would later be told that actually, that extra step might have been an unnecessary precaution. The biopsy had led the doctors to believe my cancer was Stage 1, Grade 2, when it actually ended up being classified as Stage 1a, Grade 1. Less aggressive, and less likely to come back. I would probably have been fine keeping my ovaries.
But there I was anyway – 27, childless, no plans of having children in the near future, being told that my womb and ovaries would need to be removed.
There are options for people in my position. Options which were presented to me – I would not be allowed to undergo surgery without speaking to a fertility specialist first, to make sure I knew what I was getting into.
It only took me half a day to make my decision. Within maybe three hours of my diagnosis, before I even knew what the options were, and what they entailed, I had decided that I did not wish to do anything to preserve my fertility.
For weeks afterwards, I would be told that I could not decide without speaking to the experts, that I could still change my mind, that it was important that I consider all the angles and the possibilities that I was turning my back on. It was a very difficult time – not because I didn’t feel confident in my decision, but because I got the feeling other people were trying to tell me they knew what I wanted better than I did. I got patronised by male and female doctors, friends and family alike, but I never once changed my mind.
Almost six weeks after diagnosis, I reluctantly attended the fertility appointment that had been scheduled for me. I sat down in a cold little room with the fertility specialist, a medical student, and a representative from a ferility research organisation. I listened to what they had to say, and I told them what I wanted – with tears in my eyes and my voice, but a certainty that did not waver.
It had been a gut feeling, but it was also a very rational decision. More importantly, it was the right decision for me.
I am not a very motherly person. I don’t like to dot on anyone, I have no patience, I hate any kind of mess.
I have strong values, I have things I care about, I have goals I want to achieve. None of those are dependant on passing down my genetic make-up.
Although I am very much in favour of people using science to have children if they so wish, it was not something I felt was right for me.
Egg freezing (or more accurately in my case, ovarian tissue cryo-preservation) is extremely costly. It involves using an incredible amount of resources – money, electricity, space, etc. – to give a person a small chance to use their eggs at a later date. Because we were in the UK, and the NHS was handling my case, my tissue would be stored at no cost to me for five years.
Even knowing that I would not have to pay for having the option, I did not find preserving my genes worth the environmental and financial cost for the taxpayer.
I also know from friends and family alike the emotional, financial and physical cost of IVF programmes. In my case, it would not only be IVF (with a below-average chance of success, due to the method and timing of harvesting my ovarian tissue), but also surrogacy.
Now don’t get me wrong – I am absolutely in favour of using science and doing whatever we can to help people have children of their own if it is the right choice for them. Surrogacy is a complex issue that I fully support when done respectfully, voluntarily, safely and in the right conditions for everyone (I know some people will ask me to hand over my feminist card over this, but I will stand my ground). However, it is not right for me.
I do not believe in fate, but I believe in not spending my own time, energy, resources and feelings into something that cannot happen naturally. In the choice between not having a biological child at all and having a child conceived from cryopreserved tissue, in a lab, and carried by another woman, I would choose option one every day of the week.
I am environmentally conscious, and the eco-footprint of a child, especially one whose conception demanded so much effort and so many resources, is something that I am extremely aware of. It feels like I would be making a decision that goes against my principles. And if I do not feel 100% comfortable with my decision in view of my principles, I do not think I should bring a child into the world that way.
I also believe that how you raise a child, and the love and support you provide them with, is more important than the genes you pass on. That is what makes you a parent.
And that I could still provide, if I want to one day. As of today, I do not know if I will ever want to, or if I will ever feel ready to foster or adopt a child. But that is one door that I am not closing as, contrary to the idea of preserving my fertility, it is in line with my principles, and it is something that I would feel comfortable with.
These are the answers that I gave the fertility specialist. Almost 21 months after that day, I still believe every single one of the reasons I gave.
This summer has been one of reflexion. So many of my friends and family have announced a pregnancy, or have actually given birth. I have met half a dozen babies and toddlers, played with them, observed them, cared for them.
I do feel something when I see my friends pregnant, or interacting with their children. But it is not pain, it is not jealousy, it is not hurt.
I guess if I had to define it, I would say it is the knowledge that they have something that I will never have. It is knowing that they are experiencing something that I will never understand fully. There is a detachedness to the way I act and think around them.
I love meeting them. I love talking to my friends and family about their experiences as new parents. There is an awkwardness, but it is only in my head, and it does not prevent me from being happy for them.
I am comfortable with my decision. It is not an easy decision, and I do sometimes feel a sort of sadness that I will not have the chance to share the same experiences as my friends.
I do not regret it. There has not been one day, in the last two years, where I told myself I had made the wrong choice. When you are struggling as I am with survivorship, having that assurance is everything.